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Said and done

Synopsis: Graduate students Edward and Jasper feel the connection, but is it enough to overcome their differences? (E/J slash, vamp/human, comedy/romance, rated NC-17)

Click here to reach the SaD Masterpost.

Chapter 5: The pH of venom


A/N: Additional "scene" in the final author's note...

Thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing this and every chapter.

Disclaimer: All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc., mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without express authorization.



Chapter 5: The pH of venom

I stood motionless in the open doorway, staring at where Jasper's car had been parked in the driveway.

After a minute or two, Alice appeared at my back, and tucked herself against my body, weaseling her way underneath my arm, until she stood beside me with my arm wrapped around her.

After a pause she turned to look at me. "Carlisle has asked that we reconvene in a few minutes for a family meeting."

I sighed. "Am I in trouble?" I asked. After all, we couldn't have unexpected visitors just popping in any old time. Even if we could hear them coming from a mile away, the risk was too great.

"No," she said, clearly choosing her next words carefully. "You're not in trouble, but there are obviously some issues to discuss. It's really just a question of risk versus reward. Some of us naturally place more emphasis on the risk and others weigh the reward more heavily. But it will be okay once we talk."

I nodded though I was seriously unconvinced of her accuracy on the last point.

I followed Alice's gaze as she turned back toward the empty driveway again. Her eyes sought out the now empty parking space. Suddenly, she poked me in the ribs. "And, Edward, seriously. Next time we go back to high school, you really have to pay more attention while the kids eat lunch instead of constantly staring at the cracks in the ceiling."

"Alice, please…" I whined.

"No, you please. You're a vampire for god's sake. How you have so little clue about what goes on around you sometimes is absolutely amazing."

"I pay attention! Remember that one time in science class with the wolf? None of the rest of you noticed!" I contested hotly. Alice questioning my skills? That was so wrong.

"Right," she shot back, jabbing me again in my side. "You'll remember that, but you'll turn around and drink a soda the next minute. You are hopeless…"

I started to protest, but she interrupted. "Maybe Carlisle can come up with a fix for your head after the meeting," she said, grinning as she grabbed my arm and started tugging me in the direction of the dining room.

When we reached the customary meeting spot, Carlisle and Esme were already seated next to each other at the table. Rosalie and Emmett were not yet present, having been running around outside for the last hour or so. But I heard Emmett laughing as they approached the house so I knew they'd be joining us momentarily. It sounded like at least Emmett was in a good mood, but who was I kidding? He was usually in a good mood. He wasn't the one I was worried about.

I sat down and waited for the rest of my family.

XXXXX

One hour and one shattered piece of furniture later, several decisions had been reached. For one thing, we had determined that it wasn't necessary to pick up and move immediately, even though a human had decided to simply drop by unannounced and could do so again at any time. Mostly this was because Jasper seemed to have no idea what we were. Plus, we all now knew the sound of his car and his scent, so we would have plenty of notice in the event that he came by again and we needed to either act human, or pretend not to be home.

We also decided I should keep Jasper's visits to a minimum while the entire family was home together so as not to inconvenience my family members. I began to protest this, until I recognized that I was putting a silly "infatuation" (Rosalie's word, not mine) ahead of my family. Plus, my siblings and I would only be gathered together for another two weeks before everyone returned to their various campuses.

I was also to discourage further unannounced visits as gracefully as possible.

And of course, I reaffirmed that I had no plan to let Jasper in on our identity.

In exchange, it was recognized that, at least for now, I could continue to see my friend when the opportunity arose. This was either inevitable, wonderful, a learning experience, an unnecessary risk, or fucking hilarious, depending on who you asked.

When it was all over, Carlisle asked to speak with me privately in his office. I quickly agreed, happy to put off additional conversations with my siblings.

Once we sitting together in his office with the door shut, he turned to me. "So, Edward. I thought you might have some questions for me."

"Questions?" I asked.

"Yes. Questions," he added, as if that somehow explained everything.

"Questions," I murmured, somewhat puzzled. "About what exactly?" I finally asked.

He looked at me for a moment before replying. "About Jasper." He hesitated, and looked slightly uncomfortable. "Anatomically. About how things work, perhaps."

I looked at him. "Anatomical questions about Jasper?" What questions did Carlisle think I would have about his—

"Oh!" I realized I certainly did have a question. "I do have one."

Carlisle nodded, looking almost relieved. "Go ahead."

"Well, I've noticed quite a few times that Jasper's heart has sounded really erratic. It speeds up sometimes for no good reason and I think it even skips a beat once in a while, and I just wondered if you noticed. Do you think that it is anything to be concerned about?" I asked. I had been worrying about this for days now.

But Carlisle just looked at me blankly.

"Is that not what you meant?" I asked, growing uncomfortable.

I swear I heard him sigh.

"No, that's fine, Edward. If that's what you want to know," he eventually replied.

I nodded, eager to hear that Jasper's condition wasn't something dangerous to him.

"Okay, well then, the answer is yes, I noticed his heartbeat was a bit irregular at times, but under the circumstances, that is certainly nothing to worry about. His heart sounds nice and strong."

"Oh, good." I was immediately relieved. "But then why...?"

"Well, there are many reasons. Fear can cause such a reaction, for example."

"I wondered if that was it. I suppose that's a good reaction for him to have when I'm around." I knew I should be pleased about this, though deep down I was definitely not. I wished he had no need to fear me, that I could cease to be the monster that warranted such a reaction.

"Well, Edward, I suspect it isn't fear in Jasper's case. I believe it is because he is attracted to you," Carlisle explained.

"Oh." It made sense. We were supposed to be attractive to our prey.

"So... speaking of attraction, was there anything else you wanted to discuss?" he asked as he leaned back in his chair.

"Nothing that I can think of," I replied. "Why?"

"Well, son, I can smell Jasper on you, so I thought perhaps a question might have... arisen... Perhaps there's something that ...came up... and you might want to know how things work."

I began to shake my head, unsure about what Carlisle was going on about when a thought stopped me. I decided to go for it. "Uh, well, I did sort of have one other question for you, but it's a bit embarrassing. I was wondering if... well, when you work closely with humans, does it affect you? I don't mean the temptation of their blood, exactly. But, well, when Jasper pressed against me earlier when he hugged me goodbye, I sort of felt the venom sort of flow through my body. It was almost like his heart caused it to pulse. I wondered if that happened to you as well..." I trailed off.

"Well, Edward, to be frank, Esme is the only one who causes my venom to... flow through my body, so to speak," he replied smiling gently. "And it isn't because her heart beats."

"Stop! Stop. That's not exactly what I meant," I grimaced. "I mean, when you work on your patients, when you touch them, can you sort of feel their heart beat in you? I know, that sounds crazy."

He looked thoughtful. "No, actually, I don't think I've experienced the reaction you seem to be describing. Are you sure it is his heart that caused your venom to flow, because with Esm—"

"Quite sure," I replied, eager to cut him off before he finished his sentence.

"Well, then, I think that this is something new, and I would love for you to let me know if you experience it again. I wonder... well, we'll just give this time. But please do tell me if happens in the future. I'm curious to hear more."

I agreed, disappointed to have no explanation for my experience. It was unusual to stump Carlisle.

"Alright, well, if you ever have any other questions, about anything, don't hesitate to ask. After all, I'm a doctor, not just your dad," he chuckled nervously before changing the subject. "Now, why don't you head downstairs? Rosalie is prepared to forgive you if you allow Emmett to show you what happens when you drink a Coke."

I stood, and headed to leave, but before I made it fully out the door, he stopped me.

"How recently have you hunted?" he asked, looking at my eyes, trying to gauge their color.

"A couple of days," I replied. "Why?"

He sighed. "Just do Esme a favor and take the experiment outside onto the porch, just in case."

I rolled my eyes and headed for the stairs. As I did so, I heard him murmur, "Kids" under his breath, before sighing again.

XXXXX

I stood out front of our house the next day with my siblings. Emmett had agreed to wait until morning to conduct their experiment. "Better lighting," he'd said, which was puzzling, but I chose not to question him. Rosalie sat nearby on a large rock, attempting to appear bored. Emmett was running around in circles, far too excited for whatever was about to happen. Alice, meanwhile, was attempting to give me a science lesson.

"Okay, Edward, do you remember in science class when the teacher created a fake volcano that would bubble because of the vinegar?" she said.

I assume she meant her question to be rhetorical, but I couldn't resist replying. "No, I do not. I have repeated high school more than enough times, but the last time I took a third grade science class I was human, so, no, I don't remember."

"Ugh, whatever Edward. It's in the fourth grade curriculum here in Washington, but never mind. Just imagine a paper mache volcano."

"Fine. I'm picturing it."

"Okay. That's what is about to happen," she said, as if that explained everything. I heard Emmett giggling in the background.

"I'm going to blow a few bubbles? Forget it, this is dumb. I'm not doing it," I decided.

"No, Edward, you're not going to blow a few bubbles. If we wanted to see that, we'd make you chew gum. Do I have to explain everything?" She must have decided that she did, in fact, have to explain a bit more, so she quickly continued on. "Okay, take a fake volcano and put a tablespoon of baking soda in the center. Then, pour in some vinegar. What would happen?"

"It fizzes." I replied. Duh.

"Right," she said. "That's what is about to happen."

I looked at her, frowning. I still wasn't sure what she was talking about. After all, she wasn't asking me to eat baking soda and wash it down with a swig of vinegar. And as far as I knew, those weren't ingredients in Coca-cola. I looked at Rosalie for help. She was staring at the ground, trying to suppress a smile.

"Whatever. Just give me the soda." I demanded. Emmett instantly appeared by my side and popped open the can he carried.

"Enjoy. It does a body good," he said as he handed it to me.

"Emmett, that's milk," I pointed out before downing the disgusting liquid.

"I know," he grinned. "I just like saying it."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, well anyway, that was gross, but I don't see what the big dea—"

"Okay, now Edward, what is the pH of baking soda?" Alice interrupted.

"Sodium bicarbonate is 8.2," I answered confidently. Everyone knew that.

"And vinegar?" she asked.

"2.4," I replied. I noted that my stomach began to feel somewhat uncomfortable, but it was definitely no big deal.

"Exactly," Alice said. "How about the pH of that Coke you just drank?"

"2.5, if I remember correctly," I said, noting a certain pressure that seemed to be building in my abdomen.

"You do," Alice confirmed. "And then one more question." She paused dramatically. Emmett was practically shaking with glee. Rosalie's eyes were lit up and she'd gotten closer to the rest of us, watching intently.

"What is the pH of our venom?" Alice asked.

I burped loudly, feeling quite bloated, as if I had just drunk far too much blood. "Uh, about 8.3," I croaked as I suddenly understood.

"Bingo," said Alice.

I burped again, loudly, much to Emmett's delight. "Keep 'em coming, Eddie!" he grinned.

I started to tell him to shove off when I felt my body try to regurgitating the offensive drink.

I saw Emmett whip out a camera. Like he wouldn't remember this perfectly without needing to document it fully.

But no, I wasn't regurgitating. What the hell was happening to me? Oh, my god. Foam, freaking foamy coke-tasting bubbles started spewing out of my mouth. Fucking hell. I was overflowing. I bent over, trying not to gag as the foam poured out of my mouth.

I literally was covering the grass in front of me. I took a step back so I wouldn't be stepping in it. This was absolutely disgusting. I tried not to choke. More and more froth kept gushing out of me. I heard Rosalie actually clapping as she watched. Even Alice was cracking up, and she usually frowned on "gross." And then there was Emmett, snapping away on his camera. So that's why he needed light, I realized.

The hell with this. I decided I'd had enough. I shut my mouth and tried to hold it back.

"Oh, Edward, don't try. It'll just make it worse," advised Alice.

I glared at her and tried to wipe the drool off my mouth with my sleeve. I quickly realized that I wasn't going to be able to keep my mouth shut very long. Whatever. I at least didn't have to sit there spewing in front of them. I held my head high and started to walk away. I tried to maintain dignity, but I soon realized I had better hurry. I picked up my pace.

"What's the matter, Edward?" Rosalie taunted.

"Hey, man, come back!" Emmett called.

I started to run. With any luck I could make it around the corner of the house before I had to open my mouth again. Hurry, Edward. Hurry. Hurry or there's no way you're going to make it. I put my hand over my mouth to hold it closed.

"Edward, not in Esme's flowers, please!" I heard Carlisle call from inside the house.

Instinctively, I opened my mouth to call back that I wouldn't ruin the flowerbed. Unfortunately, that was exactly the wrong move, because I suddenly exploded when I relaxed my lips the slightest bit. Gas and bubbles and foamy liquid once again erupted from my mouth.

I gave in. I had no choice. I bent over and let it pour out of me onto the grass, pleading against science for it to all be over soon.

Emmett came up behind me and patted me on my back. "So, how do you like Coke, Edward?"

I glared at his big grin and decided this was war. Sure, Carlisle had said not to froth on the flowers, but he hadn't indicated I shouldn't spew all over my sibling. I looked at him, and narrowed my eyes. Yes, that was exactly what I should do.

Emmett must have seen the look in my eyes, because he instantly took off running toward the woods. I took off after him, chasing him for miles, tossing handfuls of fresh froth at him whenever I got close enough, until mercifully, the chemical reaction in my stomach eased approximately 15 miles from home.

XXXXX

Hours later, after showering twice and convincing Esme I didn't need to hose down the lawn because it was going to rain that afternoon, I stormed up to Carlisle's office. "Okay, Carlisle. Now I have questions."

He looked up. "Go ahead."

"Why did you let them do that to me? Shouldn't you have warned me? That was the most disgusting thing, and it was not exactly painless either you know," I demanded.

"Edward, are you worse for wear?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "But—"

"Has Rosalie forgiven you?" he interrupted.

"Yes," I admitted.

He looked at me pointedly.

"Fine. Then why did you ask me when I had last hunted?" I asked hotly.

"What's the pH of blood?" he countered calmly.

"What is this? Freaking science class?" I shot back.

He raised his eyebrow at me in response.

"Right. Sorry." I knew that I had no cause to be angry with Carlisle. "Anyway, it's just over 7," I said, answering his original question.

"Exactly," he nodded. "If you had hunted extremely recently or drunk a particularly large quantity, it would have served to mitigate the reaction slightly because the blood is more neutral than your venom. The chemical reaction would not have been as violent."

"Oh."

"Yes, Coke is the worst because it is so acidic. And of course, even if it were not, the carbonation is highly unpleasant and makes things that much worse."

I sighed. "Thanks."

"Anytime," he chuckled, as I left his office.

As I passed by the top of the steps on the way to my room, I overheard whispers coming from downstairs.

"Alright you guys, take it easy on Edward for a bit, okay? He's going through a lot." That was Esme. Of course I knew she was talking about me. She was always worrying about me.

"That's true," I heard Alice reply in a hushed voice as I continued to my room. "He clearly doesn't understand yet what's going on with Jasper, and we did make him drink that Coke. Plus, Carlisle tried to have the sex talk with him yesterday. I can only imagine how well that went."

"Well," Esme said, "Carlisle has felt it appropriate to have that conversation with each of you when it becomes time."

I slammed my door before I heard any more. That's what Carlisle had been going on about? For crying out loud! Did everyone think I was twelve?




A/N: Do you want to know what happened "that one time in science class with the wolf"? Of course you do.

A few years back, Alice, Edward, Emmett, and Rosalie were sitting in a high school biology classroom, listening to a lecture on species indigenous to the Pacific Northwest.

Of course they weren't listening very closely. Rosalie was recalling the way the high school boys had admired her during gym after she'd changed into her bathing suit for swimming class earlier that day. Emmett was also thinking of the way Rosalie had looked in her bathing suit during gym class. Alice was ticked about having the same class later that afternoon, because of the way she'd smell like chlorine the rest of the day, thereby ruining her clothing that she probably wouldn't have worn again anyway. And Edward was as he usually spent biology class, staring at the cracks in the ceiling above the stuffed raccoon on the windowsill near the teacher's desk, smirking about the fact that the teacher had labeled it as an Eastern raccoon, while it was clearly an Upper Mississippi Valley raccoon.

At a certain point the biology teacher decided to ask the students to describe various animals they'd seen that they believed to be local to the area. He began by calling on Alice, startling her slightly. After thinking for a half-second (an unusually lengthy amount of time for a vampire), she began describing an actual encounter she'd had with a beautiful female Cascade Mountain Wolf that she'd gotten close to while hiking (read: hunting) many years back.

Edward, recognizing that Alice was indeed describing a sub-species that had become extinct 40-some odd years ago, decided to intervene on the off-chance that the teacher's knowledge of North American wolves was more complete than his understanding of North American raccoons. (It was not.)

Forced to move quickly, Edward's plan was not particularly well-thought out. He simply chucked his eraser at the raccoon on the windowsill with the correct force and angle so that the former animal was sent crashing to the floor and sliding across the room until it stopped somewhere underneath the teacher's desk. At that point, Edward shrieked and jumped out of his seat and cried, "It's alive!" While the confused teacher turned to the normally silent Cullen, Emmett (not wanting to miss out on the fun, but not necessarily interested in shrieking and climbing onto his desk as Edward was), whipped his own eraser at the light switch by the door leaving the room in sudden darkness, at which point several girls in the class started shrieking along with Edward. Edward shot a near-silent thank you to his brother and passed a note to Alice explaining her mistake while the rest of the students freaked out in the darkened classroom.

By the time the teacher turned the lights back on moments later, the vast majority of the class was in total chaos. Edward, however, was back in his seat, once again staring at the crack in the ceiling, counting down the seconds left before the end of the school day in an ancient Mayan dialect, with a look of abject boredom written across his features.
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