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icmezzo_archiveA/N: Allergy season is in full swing and human Jasper is not immune.
This is a teeny-tiny outtake that I posted to Twitter last week. But I didn't want to lose the little storyline completely or cause those sans Twitter to miss out, so I'm posting it here in its raw glory. A friend, the lovely sweetandsaltyff, was having an off day, so Jasper and Edward came to the resc...resc...rAAAAAAHHHH-CHOOOOOOO!
Pass me a tissue?
And an antihistamine?
(It really is quite brief due to the fact that I wrote it for Twitter, so I apologize to those of you who prefer longer updates. In addition, I've left in some of the Twitterisms... For example *asterisks* around a word signal either emphasis or that there is an action being performed. And each line is pretty much a single Tweet, as Tweets can be no longer than 140 characters each. And please forgive any typos. unfortunately, my tweets are unbetaed. PS Find me on twitter: icmezzo.)
Work Text:
"Aachoo!" Jasper wiped his snotty palms on his jeans.
"Bless you!" Edward replied.
"Aaaaaaaaachhooooooo!" Jasper sneezed even more violently this time.
"Gesundheit," Edward said, happy to show off his German.
"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaCHOOOOOOOOOO!" Jasper sneezed a third time, tacking on a "mother fucker" immediately afterward.
"In ancient Greece, sneezes were considered prophetic signs from gods. Odysseus' son sneezed after hearing his dad might still be alive. It was considered a good omen," Edward said.
"Well today in the North America I'm considering them a sign that allergy season is in full swing," Jasper groaned.
"Why didn't you say so?" Edward dashed to the kitchen and returned with a roll of paper towels and some cleaning fluid.
Edward then proceeded to chase down every single particle of pollen that floated about Jasper's bedroom.
Jasper blinked his itchy runny eyes, watching his vampire dart about the room in an attempt to overcome the vast quantities of allergens.
Edward soon learned, however, that no matter how quickly he worked or how many paper towels he used, there were too many points of entry.
He slammed shut windows, locked doors, and was just getting to work covering vents with deconstructed garbage bags when Jasper spoke up.
"Wouldn't it be better if I just-" Jasper started to say.
Edward, realizing what Jasper was about to say-or at least thinking he did-interrupted. "You're right! That *would* be easier!"
Edward grabbed a garbage bag, inspected its interior for stray yellow particles and, after removing the three that had managed to get inside quickly pulled the bag over Jasper's head and sealed it shut around his waist with far too much duct tape. (He was fresh out of Velcro)
"Ummm, Edward? This isn't *exactly* what I had...had...had... !"
But Jasper was unable to cover his face when he sneezed due to his unusual wrapping.
So he suddenly found himself with a newly snot-covered layer of plastic clinging to his face. He was *not* happy.
"Damn it!" Edward cursed at his failure to secure an allergen-free haven for his human.
"Get me OUT of here!" Jasper growled through the bag.
"Of course!" Edward went to work, freeing Jasper from his snotty confines.
Jasper glared.
Edward frowned. "Let me, uh, get you a tissue?"
"I think you had better," Jasper replied.
He only barely resisted wiping his face off with his sleeve. Even tho he was wearing Edward's shirt and Edward adored all of Jasper's bodily fluids, Jasper still thought it rude. And disgusting.
Edward returned a minute later with a tissue and good news. "Carlisle called in a prescription for you. I'll go pick it up."
Now that his face was dry and a sneeze-free future seemed close at hand, Jasper's annoyance evaporated quickly. "Thanks. I appreciate it."
"You'd better," Edward nodded. "Carlisle called it in to CVS." But before Edward could expound for the 536th time on his dislike for CVS, Jasper sneezed again.
"AAAAAAAACHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!"
"Ah choose you, too!" Edward exclaimed, wiping off Jasper with another tissue as he gazed into Jasper's bright watery eyes, highlighted by a pink irritated nose, and finished by placing a serious kiss on Jasper's swollen, red, perfect lips.