Everything in its Right Hole: A Said and (Not Quite) Done Outtake

[icmezzo_archive]

A/N: This SaD outtake was written for the absolutely amazing TheLadyinGrey42 in honor of her birthday today. Happy Birthday, my friend! <3

This one occurs approximately eleven months after Jasper joined the ranks of the staggeringly beautiful, if slightly sparkly, undead.

Click here to reach the SaD Masterpost.

Major thanks to Missyfits for her brainstorming assistance and prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing.

Everything in its Right Hole

Blue.

Bright blue.

There. On the counter.

Right where the green should be.

Edward glared at the offending toothbrush.

"That's it," he muttered. He'd had enough.

He stormed out of the bathroom, completely pissed off, the brilliant cobalt color mocking him all the way.

Didn't Jasper love him at all?

xXxXx

Alice looked up from her laptop when Edward entered. "Where's Jasper?" she asked. They were rarely apart.

Edward shrugged. "Probably off designing more plans to ruin my life."

"Edward, is this about the fact that he leaves his mail to pile up on the counter without sorting through it again?" He'd complained to her last week about that one.

"Oh, that little thing? I fixed that ages ago," Edward told her breezily. (A few days back he'd gone online and changed Jasper's mailing address so everything went to pile up at the main Cullen house instead of their own cabin about a quarter mile west on the Cullen's land.)

"Well, that's good. Is it about how he balls up his socks backward?"

"And inside-out sometimes," Edward grimaced. "But no. I took care of that too." (He had. Jasper's sock drawer was now in perfect order, though Edward would never get those hours of his life back. He also printed out precise step-by-step directions for effective hosiery-folding complete with accompanying diagrams—labeled with his favorite label-maker—and had left them on Jasper's bureau.)

Alice put her laptop down. "Okay, I give up. What is it this time?"

"His toothbrush," Edward groused. "He always puts it in my spot. Well, not always. Technically he does it 23% of the time—just enough to keep me off-guard, you know? I don't know why he doesn't just use his own spot. I've tried everything!"

(He'd tried one thing. He'd used his label-maker to put their names on their respective spots in the toothbrush holder. He'd even used their nicknames to show Jasper he wasn't mad: "Sparky" for Jasper and "Adonis" for himself. Technically, Jasper didn't exactly call him Adonis, but Edward didn't really care for "Sugar lips".)

"Can you just tell him not to?" Alice asked.

"No, I tried that when he kept putting his car keys down on the kitchen counter and he just looked at me like I was crazy."

Alice resisted the urge to note that he was crazy. Nor did she ask what was wrong with putting keys on the counter. Edward's mind was a scary place and she wanted to get back to the story she'd been reading on .

"I don't know, Edward. Maybe you made a faulty vampire."

"I did not!" he protested hotly. "And he's not faulty."

"Well then, I guess you'll just have to be flexible with your toothbrush."

"Don't be ridiculous. Help me think of something," Edward begged.

"Ugh, I don't know. Go buy him one that doesn't fit in the same hole in the toothbrush holder or something." Alice opened her laptop again to show Edward that she was done discussing the matter.

"But then we won't match!"

She didn't look up.

"Aliiiiiiice," he whined. "We have to match. We're mates!"

But Alice simply ignored him and went back to reading her story of a shy, stuttering man and his dominant girlfriend, Bella. She adored the story and was unwilling to let her crazy brother keep her from reading the latest outtake.

When Edward realized he'd lost her attention, he went off in search of Emmett.

xXxXx

Emmett laughed so hard he fell out of his chair.

Edward did not find it funny.

He glowered at his brother.

"You don't understand," he fumed. "The spot is perfect. Close to the window for maximum ventilation—critical for adequate drying—yet it receives fewer than three hours of sunlight each day, which is important for the health of the bristles. And, AND, it has my name on it."

"You put your name on your toothbrush?" Emmett snorted.

"Of course not. Don't be ridiculous," Edward rolled his eyes. He loved his label-maker, but he wasn't crazy. "I labeled the spot where my toothbrush is supposed to hang."

Emmett bit his lip. "So you're saying you're angry 'cause Jasper put his toothbrush in your spot?"

"Yes!" Edward stomped around the room. "And he does it all the time!"

"I see," Emmett nodded with a heavy dose of mocking sincerity that Edward missed entirely. "Have you asked him not to?"

"Of course," Edward huffed. (It was a lie. But weren't the name labels he'd attached self-explanatory?)

Edward stared out the window at the direction of their home. "So what should I do?"

Emmett grinned. While Edward's insanity wasn't something he could fix, this, he could help with. After spending so many years with Rosalie, he knew a thing or two about dealing with a headstrong mate.

"Isn't it obvious? Clearly, Jasper needs a spanking," Emmett said proudly.

Edward's shifted uncomfortably. "A spanking?"

"Sure. It always works with Rosalie. Though, sometimes I think she does things to annoy me on purpose if she knows she'll get spanked." Emmett shrugged. That was okay with him. It was totally hot. He even liked it when Rosalie returned the favor, for example when he came home late or spent too many hours ignoring her by playing video games, but Edward didn't need to know that.

"A...spanking? You spank my sist—" Edward cleared his throat. "And you think I should...spank...Jasper?"

"Definitely. You just bend him over and—" Emmett swooshed his hand through the air.

"Uh, yeah, thanks. Um, I just remembered, I have to go," Edward bolted for the door, the image of his hand colliding with Jasper's left cheek burning in his mind. It was enough to distract him for a full minute and a half before he decided to seek out Carlisle for advice he suspected would be lot more reasonable.

xXxXx

"...I mean, he has a spot for his toothbrush, so why does he have to..."

Carlisle smiled slightly at his son, patting his arm as Edward vented. Edward had been complaining for an hour now, but Carlisle didn't mind. He wasn't due at the hospital until the next day and Esme was in Port Angeles shopping for a new desk. (The one in her office was smashed, as Carlisle had been a bit too enthusiastic when he bent her over it the previous evening.)

"...do my needs mean nothing to him? I can't believe he thinks he can just put his toothbrush anywhere..."

Carlisle wasn't usually a fan of breaking furniture, as it was rather wasteful, but then, he'd been so incredibly turned on after he finished watchinghis DVD of The Thomas Crown Affair that he hadn't been able to help himself.(Carlisle loved that movie.)

"...I don't know why he does it," Edward kept talking, oblivious to the fact that Carlisle's attention had wandered. "I wonder if he's mad I changed him into a vampire?" he mused.

Startled back to the conversation by Edward's line of questioning, Carlisle frowned.

"Well, I did," Edward pointed out a bit defensively, as he launched back into his tirade.

Carlisle shook his head and went back to recalling the wanton look in Esme's eyes and the curve of her thigh against the dark heavy wood of the desk.

"And it's not only the toothbrush either!" Edward explained. "He never puts the mouthwash behind the toothpaste. He puts it in front. Always in front. In front! Why in god's name would anyone do such a thing?"

"Uh, I don't know, Edward. Have you tried talking to him about it?" With Esme's memory fresh I his mind, Carlisle was suddenly eager to end the conversation with Edward so he could spend some quality time with the scent of broken wood tickling his nose while he took care of business in her office.

"I did!" Edward said. (Well, his label-maker had. Perhaps he needed to print the labels in a larger font.)

"Don't worry, son. You'll figure it out," Carlisle reassured him, as he left the room, holding a newspaper awkwardly in front of himself as he went.

xXxXx

Edward returned home determined.

But he ran into Jasper before he could go to the bathroom to try every one of the eleven blue toothbrushes he'd purchased at the local drugstore (not CVS, thank god. Edward was already having a bad day and he didn't need to make it worse) to find out which one wouldn't fit in the holder.

"Hey, Sugar lips," Jasper greeted him. "Kiss?"

Edward narrowed his eyes. "Have you brushed your teeth?

Jasper looked confused. "Um, I did this morning."

"And where did you put your toothbrush?" Edward asked, trying to keep his voice even.

"Uh, in the holder?"

In the holder, indeed. As if Jasper didn't know. Edward's patience had worn thin. "Fine, Jasper, have it your way."

He picked Jasper up over his shoulder and took him to their couch. He then sat down and laid a very confused Jasper across his lap and began to spank him. "Bad Jasper!"

Jasper started to shake, which surprised Edward enough that he stopped. "Jasper?" Edward asked worriedly. He hadn't wanted to break Jasper's ass.

But Jasper couldn't answer because he started howling with laughter. He fell off Edward's lap and landed on the floor convulsing with giggles.

"What the heck are you doing?" Jasper finally gasped out.

"Nothing." Edward muttered and got off the couch. "Stupid Emmett."

"Emmett? Edward, did Emmett tell you to spank me? You do know that's probably not exactly what he meant, right?" Jasper began laughing anew.

Edward ignored him and stomped up to his bedroom to retrieve his label maker and began to type out "Jasper, keep your brush out of my hole"—if that wasn't clear, nothing would be—but ran out of label tape halfway through his sentence.

"Damn it!" he cursed. Would nothing go his way?

Jasper came up behind him at that moment and Edward spun around, eyes narrowed—until he noticed the brand new role of tape in Jasper's hands.

"I got this for you. I knew you were almost out. And I used a bit of it to label the spot in my nightstand where you like me to keep the lube so I don't forget." Jasper handed the role to him.

Edward had been so focused on the toothbrushes he hadn't even had a chance to think about how he was going to get Jasper to start putting the lube away correctly.

"You...you labeled where the lube goes?" Edward asked, stunned.

"Well, one place anyway," Jasper smirked.

Edward whimpered as he imagined his labels in that most erotic location.

Jasper grinned and handed him the tape.

Edward looked at it, frowning as he remembered why he had needed it in first place. His earlier frustrations came flooding back.

"Now, wanna tell me what's wrong?"

"Can't," Edward said.

"C'mon, Sugar lips. Tell Sparky what's wrong." Jasper rubbed Edward's back, comforting him.

Edward sighed and began to explain.

xXxXx

Blue.

Bright blue.

There. On the counter.

Right where the green should be.

Edward glared at the offending toothbrush.

"That's it," he muttered, heading for their bedroom. "Jasper, get in here!"

Judging by the fact that Jasper was there in less than a half of a second, Edward could tell he'd been lurking nearby.

"What's up?" Jasper asked, his eyes large.

"Where did you put your toothbrush?" Edward demanded.

"In the holder?" Jasper feigned innocence while adjusting the erection he sported in his jeans.

Edward narrowed his eyes as his body responded immediately.

"Jasper, do you need a spanking?" he asked in a low voice.

"Fuck, yes!" Jasper breathed, and promptly stripped and climbed on all fours on the bed.

Edward admired his most favorite ass in the entire world as he swooshed his hand through the air in a move they'd now practiced many times over.

"Yes! Spank me, Sugar lips!"

Edward moaned. He loved it when Jasper put his blue toothbrush in the green toothbrush's spot.