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A/N: This Said and Done outtake was written for the fabulous Sapphirescribe. (Happy birthday, bb!) It involves two vampires, ridiculous antics, and, well, ice, baby.
Thanks to Missyfits, Theladyingrey42, and ArcadianMaggie for prereading. Thanks also to Missyfits for the fabulous banner
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"You're bored," Jasper pouted, his plump lower lip an endearing sight to the epically besotted Edward.
Edward sighed happily. That lip was his. Unlike seeing the Taj Mahal for the 63rd time, Jasper's mouth never failed to awe him. "I'm not bored."
"You're not even looking at it!" Jasper said, gesturing at the famous building. "This is dumb. Let's go home." Jasper turned and started heading away, presumably in the direction of the airport.
"But you've never seen it!" Edward protested.
Jasper turned, gave the palace an exaggerated once-over, and then resumed walking away. "I have now," he called over his shoulder.
The plane ride home was a bit tense. Jasper knew it wasn't Edward's fault he'd already seen so much of the world, but he wanted to experience something with Edward that was new for both of them. As Edward expected, Jasper continued his complaint up again during the drive home from Seatac to Forks. "You've been everywhere and done everything. Isn't there anything you haven't seen before?"
Edward shrugged. "It didn't mean as much when it wasn't with you?" (He hoped that was the right answer.)
"That's crap." Jasper rolled his eyes.
Edward huffed, thinking. "Well, then, there's only one place I can think of that I've never been."
Jasper looked up hopefully. "Oh?"
Edward nodded solemnly. "I've never been to..."
"Where?" Jasper was nearly dancing in his passenger seat.
"Antarctica," Edward answered. Before he realized what was happening, Jasper had shoved him into the passenger seat, taken control of the vehicle, and executed a U turn at an impressive speed.
"Call Carlisle," Jasper instructed his confused mate. "Tell him we'll be late getting home."
"Late?" Edward asked, wishing, not for the first time, that he was a mind reader.
"Late," Jasper confirmed, taking the exit from the highway that would deposit them back into the airport parking lot. "About three weeks late. We're taking a bit of a detour."
Several extremely expensive and long flights later, the two disembarked at the southernmost city in Argentina, purchased brightly colored swimming trunks for Jasper and (at Jasper's extremely vocal insistence) a Speedo for Edward, and prepared for a pleasant swim through the Drake Passage and onto the dark continent.
It wasn't a terribly long swim—a few hours depending on the current—and using the directions Carlisle had texted them (right at the iceberg shaped like Esme's breasts, then left at the one that resembling Emmett's Alligator Pillow Pet) and the stars as a guide, they navigated their way to their final destination: Esme's Igloo.
The icy abode was decorated lovingly. A large fur-lined king-size bed resided to one side of the small living area. There were closets full of spare clothing and toiletries, and the whole structure was, most importantly, penguin-free.
Penguins, it turns out, were the primary reason Edward had never vacationed near the South Pole. Frankly, he was terrified of them—he wasn't sure if it was the vestigial wings, or all the waddling, or even their pointy beaks that always seemed to be smirking at him, but it only took one visit to the Seattle Aquarium with Esme to determine he wanted to keep his distance.
Jasper just laughed when Edward checked beneath the bed, in the closet, and under his pillow to verify there were no penguins hiding out.
"You know, penguins are actually very smart," Jasper said, as he pulled Edward into their bed, ready to consummate this final frontier. "Lots of them are gay."
Edward offered a noncommittal grunt and finally gave up his search for the fowl birds, climbing under the fur-lined covers to curl up with his mate in the comfortable confines of the icy igloo until morning.
When the vampires emerged the next day, both were wide eyed at the sparkling icy wonderland around them. Jasper couldn't help but fall in love with the wonder on Edward's face as he took it all in. It was exactly what Jasper had been hoping for—a chance to be with his mate as he experienced something for the first time. He hadn't seen such awe on Edward's face since the first time they'd made love.
Jasper looked at Edward to permanently etch the image of his delighted boyfriend into his memories.
Unfortunately, Edward had already spotted the nearby penguin colony, so his joy had already taken a back seat; in its place was a furrowed brow, flared nostrils, and defensive crouch.
Jasper tried not to laugh as he rubbed Edward's back, comforting him. "Just remember, they're smaller and a lot slower than you."
Edward tensed, however, growling as one of the little birds meandered in their direction.
"Shhh," Jasper cooed. "It's okay, she's just coming over to say hi."
The penguin approached, coming to a stop in front of them, cocking its head and blinking its big brown eyes. Edward watched as Jasper slowly put out his hand and patted the little bird on its head. It squeaked and hopped a bit before scuttling off toward the rest of the colony.
"See? Nothing to worry about," Jasper said, as they watched the penguin waddle about.
Edward nodded thoughtfully. Up close, she was actually kind of cute. Not as cute as Jasper, of course, but not everyone could look so amazing in a tux.
As the day wore on, Edward became more and more comfortable with the penguins, eventually taking the time to give them names and learn their favorite types of fish. He and Jasper had even gone fishing on behalf of the penguins, bringing back a wide variety to the colony around dinner time as a peace offering. Edward was won over permanently when he spotted Zippy and Vinegar, two of the more handsome male penguins, necking on a rocky outcropping at sunset. And when he and Jasper went to bed, Edward wasn't angry in the least when little Scooter nestled in their blankets by their feet for the night.
Jasper had a good deal of fun watching Edward befriend the penguins in the colony, but he was definitely eager to go for a nice long run the next day so they could explore the rest of the continent.
When Jasper emerged from their igloo the next morning, however, he found his mate teaching several of the penguins the dance from Happy Feet. (After watching for a few minutes with his eyebrow raised, Jasper shrugged and joined in the fun.) After lunch, Edward sat down with the birds to do a few group ice-breakers before finding out how they felt about global warming. The next day was spent swimming with the penguins, many of whom took a particular liking to the game Marco Polo.
Jasper was grew slightly impatient and more than a little bored as the days wore on and Edward engaged in the various bonding activities, and longing for a bit more of his mate's attention for himself. He was tired of reading in the igloo and sitting outside waiting for icebergs to calve and watching the icy landscape melt, refreeze, and then melt again. Besides, it was hard not to be jealous when he witnessed many of the penguins "accidentally" slapping Edward's Speedo-clad ass as they frolicked in the water.
Jasper finally decided enough was enough when Edward insisted on watching (and taking notes) while Zippy and Vinegar got it on for the fourth evening in a row. (Edward was determined to gather some new ideas for his and Jasper's own bedroom activities.)
As Jasper hauled Edward off to their igloo and tossed Herman, Blueberry, and Amenhotep from their bed, Jasper vowed he'd never take Edward anywhere new ever again. He then peeled off Edward's Speedo, and did things to his ass that would have made Zippy and Vinegar blush.
As they lay together afterward, Jasper realized exactly how dark Edward's eyes had become, and he was certain his own mirrored his mate's. They'd been ignoring their thirst but Jasper knew it would break Edward's heart to have to drink one of his new friends. Since Jasper knew most of the other species were endangered, he concluded it was time to return home.
Edward scratched his e-mail address into the ice for the penguins. With hugs and promises to keep in touch, the vampires bid the colony goodbye and made the journey back to Argentina, and eventually, Forks.
While his throat was grateful he was back in the land of mountain lions and grizzlies, Edward's heart was deeply saddened in the days ahead. He missed his friends. He couldn't help but wonder how Gumdrop was making out with her new nest and often thought of Bazooka's beautiful chick, Mustang. And then Edward's stomach clenched when he worried whether ZZ Top was getting enough food what with his squid allergy. And, of course, he smiled any time he thought of Zippy and Vinegar, and how happy they were together.
Yes, Edward missed his friends a good deal.
Jasper simply shook his head, and with the patience of a saint, supported Edward's new obsession now that they were safely back on North American soil and had a Play Station available to him while Edward wrote up his notes on penguin mating habits.
Jasper also purchased postcards for Edward to send to the birds, bought him a season pass to the local aquarium, taught the rest of the Cullens how to play Marco Polo (during which only Jasper was allowed to slap Edward's butt), donated to the World Wildlife Fund, and promised Edward that they could return to Antarctica in 10 years to check up on the gang.
He also wore his tuxedo for a solid week. Sure, Jasper got strange looks at the grocery store and post office, but it was worth it to see Edward's face when he tore the clothes from Jasper's body and fucked him hard enough to make the icebergs crack all the way in Antarctica.